The Exploration

  You are not your mind. The mind constantly feeds you with feelings and emotions. It is up to your conscience to decide which of these feelings and emotions to act on. At times, it seems impossible to not let your feelings and emotions control every move you make. Those who give in to these feelings and emotions have lost control of the self. They are unable to separate the self from the mind. I go through phases where I feel enchained by my feelings and emotions. I lose track of what I really care about because I am caught in the moment seeking pleasure. “The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain.” Feelings and emotions that make your eyes widen usually come from the possibility of instant pleasure. This shiny object syndrome causes you to become infatuated with the thing that is driving your emotion.  Letting yourself become infatuated causes you to lose track of yourself. You start to v...

“You cannot be at peace until you realize nothing is lacking.” 1000 miles an hour.  Eyes closed. Reassure. Stress. Confirm. Deep breath. Panic. Deep Breath. Twitch. Flip over. Open eyes. Slowly close. Deep breath. Itch. Ponder. Reassure. Deep thought. Listen.  It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. When you want your mind to just shut off, it never will. My mind bounces around looking for answers to every question. I try to fill in all the blanks. Then I realize I can’t. I convince myself it’s fine to just chill. Then I think that I am wasting time if I don’t answer these questions. Then the paranoia kicks in and I wonder why I am not asleep. So I worry about losing sleep. Then we’re back to stage 1.  I run in circles through my mind looking for the door to escape this loop but I am running too fast to find it. I slow down and look for it, then wonder why I am wasting time going slow. Millions of thoughts flow through your head every single day. Most are so subtle and so brief ...

Don’t call if you won’t call. Don’t stall to make the first call. Cuz this call might be the only call. And these calls might just be [mourning] calls. Inside that red parentheses is a number unpleasant to see. But inside of [], there is a need to be…[]? To the right it gets swiped And disappears from sight. Then realize it’s nice To remember that night. Past 3, don’t bother to hold on. Pocket it, and move on. Disregard that you tried so hard. Go pass out in the front yard or the backyard. Nobody cares where you are.

  Every simple little thought provokes a rush of cortisol through the bloodstream and makes eyes dart side to side like a chameleon. Antidote is needed for this mind to unwind. This awareness is a gift, but it’ll make you want to unravel each little strand of pink matter that exists within the skull. He watches me talk from above. He looks over my shoulder taunting and critiquing every miniscule move in my ear. He plants my past pains in my head every chance he gets. He questions if I do, and regrets if I don’t. He is me. And I hate him, because I know him so well. I am overaware of what he does and unable to delete him. So I distract him. I occupy him. I steal his attention with vices and feed him with something that will suppress him. But he is part of me, so distracting him only distracts me. Where is the cure?  Hours alone cure the fear of being near others who may hear what is being whispered in my inner ear. But it only enhances the awareness for the next time I leave th...

You don’t mind.  You don’t see anything when looking into mine. You don’t see the care that I have for you, As you look through those hazy eyes. You do it because it’s what you know. You do it because it’s how you cope. Opened wide to all that lights a fire. But blind to the world outside. You walk slow, eyes glued to the sky Unaware, just living for the times. It’s not my place to make a case But I really hope you’d see it on my face. Your life is intentional You are meant to be awake So ask yourself What is it that you chase?

  Away and misplaced. In another state where the sun bakes my pale skin as fast as a microwave. Still can’t tell if I really am awake. This, I must embrace, because this is escape. Desert roads drive me to dusk. The tracks we saved play, not enough to clear all the mental haze, but just enough to help me get through this day. And the next day, and the next day. Comfort doesn’t come in a couple hours. I hate to wait, it always comes so late. The thoughts in my mind pace.  Is it too late to close the gate? How long has it been open? I knew I should have waited. The more that you let in, the more that know your face. It really should be closed, watching through the bars. But if that is the case, am I imprisoning myself? *** When everything is new, you latch on to the old. When everything is hot, you really miss the cold. But if you’re like me, it’s hardest to be bold. So I’ll just wait, and stay until I’m sold.

  Bring me back to 2014. When all I had to do was just walk down the stairs and ask. Before life got in the way. It’s okay now though. When I asked, I heard yes. I was able to experience what most people never do. I get to tell about it. I get to show it to my own someday, maybe.  Now when he answers, it’s even quicker than before. Now when I call, it’s more frequent than ever. Now when I think about it, it’s more memorable than ever. I never overlooked what I had then, at least I didn’t think I did, but I didn’t appreciate it like I do now. I have heard more about what most grow up with, which makes me even luckier for how I did. I still hear those songs, and I go back. I still see that sun set over the chain link outfield of the diamond, and picture shadows walking as feet crunch through the dirt. I still hear that ting of the metal hitting the leather and turn to watch. Those cleats aren’t really used anymore, but I keep them in the trunk of my car still, just in case. Hopi...

“Each decision can be drastically changed by the substitution of one singular word.” (I’ve been quoting myself lately… lol.) I keep saying yes. I feel like I’ve said YES more times lately than I have in my entire life. For so long, NO was my go to word. If there was any doubt in my mind about the decision, I opted for avoidance. If it required discomfort, my answer was an ecstatic “NOPE!” So why do I say YES now? It could be because I have come to a sudden realization: IT MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME. IT MIGHT BE THE ONLY TIME. I have talked about the fear of missing out (FOMO) a lot, and usually it is in a negative context. But I have returned to reconsider.  By fearing FOMO, how much am I missing? How much am I not seeing? How much am I not feeling? How much am I not experiencing? I often reflect on what the result would be if I always said NO. I WOULDN’T HAVE EXPERIENCED MORE THAN HALF OF MY MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS. Even when I have said YES in the past, it has been a rather reluctan...

  The only way you’ll be able to succeed in what you want to do, is if you can see yourself doing it. I played baseball all the way from my kid years to my college years. I loved the sport and hated the sport at the same time. The reason: it’s an extremely mental game. Yes, there are many physical abilities required to be successful, but those abilities are worthless if your mental game isn’t perfected. For me, my mental game was the issue. I struggled to believe in my abilities. I would have one bad outing and I would stagger for the rest of the season. I had such a hard time truly believing I had the ability to be successful. Eventually I heard of visualization techniques. These techniques included sitting in silence for a fixed amount of time and envisioning yourself doing the exact thing you wanted to do in your head. Very similar to meditation, but more focused in thought. I began to start doing this more and more often. I would do it on the bus trips before games. I had a cer...

It’s not what I want to hear but I’ll listen. Mostly because I know it already. So rather I smile, because the sun is up and the sidewalks don’t seem to end. 7 days. Elms turn to cacti, but those blocks are all the same. Just as long as I can stop at a grocery store and pick up a purple Gatorade. Something to let me taste the night better. A quiet night will make your neck turn with every bark of a dog. Don’t ruin my peace, please. The light looks nice on that tennis court. But I don’t dare enter. Not alone, not again.  I turn to hope that I’ll see myself walking the other way, maybe to stay for another day, but the sun makes that gray shadow stay on my tail. So I smile and keep going on my way.

  Which is more important? Being completely honest with others or being completely honest with yourself. I value the feelings of others, I truly do. But I also know that by being the most honest with myself can hurt those feelings. It’s not fair, it never will be. Everyone deserves to be told the truth. Everyone thinks they want to hear the truth, but I think that they have to be ready to hear it. Hearing the truth can destroy you if you aren’t aware of it already.  Blindsided. Nobody wants to be blindsided. It hurts worse than anything. So maybe that’s why I have kept my feelings contained. That’s why I don’t show everything because I don’t want the feeling of being blindsided when somebody tells me the complete truth. I try to control too much. I convince myself that by being in complete control I will never be hurt. It may be true, but probably not. In my head, control is seen as self-awareness. I believe that the more self aware I am, the more control I have over my own fe...