The Exploration

  Boxes have begun to pile. I have to fill the space with Current Joys because these blank walls will make your mind do circles in your head. It’s all dusty. Dust from skin that used to be around here, but is gone now. Hairs tangled in the carpet of those who have come and gone.  That plant is dead. Why didn’t you throw it away months ago? I watched it die day after day. I never fed it. No water. Nothing. I just watched its leaves shrivel as it was deprived of sun and water. Sometimes I’d give it a little taste of what it needed just so I could see it sit on that shelf for a few more days. Now it sits, still in the pot I bought, in the trash. I didn’t plant it but it was mine. You’d think at some point it would hit me. But not today, today no. Today these boxes mean nothing. They are just filled with dust, the skins from the past. Skins that don’t matter anymore, to me at least. Maybe I should’ve kept that pot. Maybe I will.  Maybe someday I’ll have another plant.  M...

“Accept that it might not be the best and be okay with it.” I didn’t expect this. To be honest, I expected much less. I never quite thought that it would be this easy. I prepared myself for the absolute worst, came to terms with the fact that it could happen, and accepted it. Doing this allowed me to find happiness in the simplest of things. By telling myself I was just going to accept what happened, I had one of the most enjoyable weekends I’ve had in recent memory. For once in my life, I had no schedule, no internal clock keeping me worried about what I was doing every single second of every day. Simple things I would write off before became more beautiful than ever before.  I took a couple more seconds to be grateful for the moments I overlooked before. Being able to wake up and watch the sunrise with nothing telling me I can’t. Being able to walk outside and literally explore wherever I could desire. Being able to talk to any of the important people in my life with a tap on a s...

The weather was bleak when the days started. The clouds let out a deep sigh as they watched overhead. Their pessimism created a mood felt by all who saw them. This mood was accentuated by the agenda for the days. Pulled into the parking lot, the outside was anything but graceful. Bags of trash loitered in the parking lot as I walked toward the hazy glass double-doors. It reeked. A mixture of cigarettes and bad restaurant filled the air. But hey, it was home for a couple days. An escape, morelike. The uneasiness in my stomach intensified but I did my best to keep my mind steady, focused on the moment. I had already planted the low expectations in my mind making anything better than terrible a surprise.  Eventually, the sun revealed its beautiful face and decided to shine on our time together. Expectations were exceeded, everything was good. Soon enough I was alone again, but it was okay this time. I knew that somebody was looking out for me. Saw stars for a moment, color came back, ...

“The right conversations with the right people are priceless.” That person that means a lot to you, tell them. That thought that has been festering in your mind for days, tell someone. Those feelings that you didn’t think anyone else shared, say them out loud. A younger version of me would resort to writing something down where I was the only person who would ever see it. Years later I would look back and see what I wrote and wish I had said it. YOU REGRET NOT DOING MORE THAN DOING. So I decided to start just saying those things. I’ve been lucky enough to have enough great conversations with enough great people where I feel like I can. The only way you will ever find these people is by testing the waters. If it seems like they are somebody you could share something with, say it and see how they react. Typically if you want to say something, it is better you do anyway.  The amount I have grown as a person has been greatly multiplied by a few key conversations I have had in my life....

“Sometimes you have to listen to yourself and be okay with nobody else understanding.” I hear the cries but I don’t listen. I only hear what I want to hear instead. When I see weakness, I run. When I see tiredness, I scoff. When I see laziness, I roll my eyes. When I see tears, I turn away. My body is telling me it’s thirsty but I have a hard time letting it drink. My stomach is telling me it’s hungry but I act like there is no food. Why would you deplete yourself of what you need? Maybe it’s a challenge. It’s a challenge to see how far you can go.  Maybe it’s because you don’t like needing anyone.  Maybe you’re scared to say you do. I don’t listen to myself. I only let the words come through that I want to hear. Why do I do it? I DON’T WANT TO NEED HELP. I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF. I sprint through each day. I have tunnel vision and only do the things that I tell myself I need to do and I just ignore everything else. I ignore all other feeling because it wastes my time. I don’t l...

“The hardest step is the next step.” I’m having a hard time moving forward. Right now I feel incapable of really doing anything. I feel stuck and unable to move out of this pit I continue to create for myself each day. I tell myself I want to start doing something different but I don’t know what that thing is so instead I do exactly what I do every other day. For some reason I am so confused by myself. I cannot tell what I want. I feel like I know what I want but every time I get close to getting it, I give up. Maybe it’s because I have failed to get it so many times, or maybe it’s because once I have it, it’s never as great as I hype it up to be. Some sort of direction would be nice. Some sort of guidance would be great. Now when the weather is warm and the sun is up 16 hours a day is when I am having the hardest time. I always used to think that the summer season would make everything easier. But now when the sky is blue, I am feeling the same way. It’ll pass though. EVERY FEELING PA...

  “The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” The end result is not always as good as the buzz built up during the anticipation. I used to think if the end result of something did not live up to my expectations it was a waste of my time. Instead of being glad that I was able to waste the time, I was left with a feeling of unfulfillment.  This led to an angry, regret-filled life where I didn’t perceive many events as worth my time. When I find myself going back to these old ways of thinking, I just remember that time is what you make of it. IF YOU TELL YOURSELF TIME WAS WASTED, THEN IT WAS. So instead of believing that time was wasted because it didn’t live up to my expectations, I look for the highlights. I go through everything in my head and underline the good. What I have realized doing this is that there is usually more good than bad. Which means that there is very little time that is “wasted.” I have been in a lot of situations lately that feel unfinished. It is hard...