The Exploration

  Sentimentality Sentimentality is my gift. It is a gift that will never escape. This gift lets me love, but also brings me pain, deep pain. My emotional depth is so great. Endorphins are rushing through my body, my heart, my soul at all times. They create feelings of love, of joy, of pain.  Right now all I feel is pain. But I must not let this pain overwhelm me. I can grasp this pain. I can control this pain and move it into growth. Pain conceives growth after all. I must hold onto my sanity. Sentimentality is my gift. I can feel. I have felt. I will feel. This growth is what I have been waiting for. A breakthrough has emerged. All this time looking for answers, attempting to will growth into my mind when all I had to do was let go. I had to let go of the things that prevented growth. I had to face the truth. I had to figure out the reality of my feelings. This is growth. I am a stronger person now. What can I not achieve? What goals can I not reach? I showed myself m...

  Declutter Things are not what we want to hold on to, it is the memories that are associated with the things we possess that we hold on to. Nostalgia fuels my knack for holding on to items I no longer need and clothing I no longer wear. At times, I cried at the thought of giving away a specific piece of clothing I’d had for years. It took me years to realize that it wasn’t the thing I wanted, but the memory.  Memories are collected in everything we see. A certain feeling can be sparked just by seeing an old shirt that hasn’t been worn for years. The feeling is completely recreated just by wearing it again. I gave away a bunch of t-shirts from years of baseball today. It was a hard thing to do because so much of my life was spent collecting these championship shirts. They marked an accomplishment, a true journey of becoming somebody in my life. But holding on to them does not show that accomplishment. The growth I see in myself shows how far I have come. So don’t continu...

  Anticipation Anticipation can kill creativity. Oftentimes, I find my mind drifting from place to place and looking toward what is next. I make excuses telling myself “this can happen, once this other thing happens.” It’s a terrible mindset. To truly achieve what I wish to achieve, I have to ditch the excuses and focus my mind now. I must be in the moment.  This year has been a vivid example of how my anticipation has killed my creativity. The cold months of this year were brutal. I told myself I will be able to focus and work much harder once it was warm outside again. I told myself I would spend each moment I could outside. Now, I tell myself it’s too windy, it’s too humid, it’s too hot. All of them are just excuses. Weather conditions should not dictate my ability to create.  Now I find myself looking forward to fall. Everything seems to slow down in the fall even though it is just the opposite. How I waited all winter for warm weather and now all I can think ab...