The Exploration

20 years. Watching you grow.  Time has flown, but it really hasn’t. I can still recollect every moment created over those 20 years. On and off for me, you’ve been steady. Different lives, but similar minds, so it’s alright. Date was set a while ago. In my head it was so far away. Now it’s here, and I don’t know what to say. *** 2 days by. Come and gone. Reflected on words said, words unsaid. Overthinking will fill you with dread. But no need to consider what you did. Because all was perfect. Hours went by like minutes. Years went by like hours.  Memories made in such short time. But stored for such a long time. People might say it’s different now. But nothing changed. Different status. But all is same. No fear in the world. A mind unlike mine. So clear in thought. Everything in line. We both embarked separate journeys Both of different kinds I wish they were together But everybody has their own life. To say I’m proud is not enough. You’re the reason I moved Because you made me...

  At some point in your life, you lost something you really cared about. This loss made you sad. You felt empty because of it. You continuously tried to remember what life was like before you lost it. But there is one thing that we tend to overlook: IF YOU HAD NEVER EXPERIENCED THE FEELING AT ALL, YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE LOST ANYTHING. This is the illusion of loss. You feel sad that you lost something, you try to do all you can to recreate the time before the loss. But in reality, you should just be happy it all happened. You should be happy that you had the ability to experience it all before it was lost.  Saying you lost something implies that at some point it was there. You can’t lose something without first having it. So be happy you had it. In my personal story, I often found myself becoming sad over the loss of a feeling. I became so hung up on the fact that a feeling I loved was gone and I could no longer create it. Instead of relishing the fact that I was able to experien...

  Over time, I have noticed a common trend in life: IF YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN’T BE DOING, IT MAY BE FUN FOR THAT TIME, BUT EVENTUALLY IT ALL CATCHES UP TO YOU. Everything seems to be going right until one major event makes you stop and think. For most people, this is the turning point. This is the point where they make a drastic change in their life to inhibit an event like that from ever happening again. A near miss at the fate you deserve will make you change your ways very quickly. But this doesn’t happen for everyone. Sometimes the fate you deserve comes and you don’t have a choice anymore. You have to face it because you don’t have any other option. You don’t always get a second chance. From what I have witnessed in my own life, everyone is given some sort of indicator that they need to change their ways before they get what they really deserve. Some see it and change from it, others wave it off like it is some strange coincidence. “Coincidence is a word we use wh...

  A feeling can emerge just as fast as it can leave. Stored in my mind are all the times I let a surge of emotions carry me to a place I didn’t expect to be. The brief rush of emotion felt in some of my best memories has taught me a lot about myself.  Although infatuation is often seen as a negative concept, I believe it allows you to learn so much about yourself. Infatuation teaches you what makes your eyes widen, brings out your passion, and inflates your emotions. When you are young, you become infatuated easily. You fall in love with a moment and do all you can to extend that moment as long as you can. It is not until you realize you can’t make it last forever that you start to reach the end of a high. This perceived loss will destroy you when you are young, but cause you to learn so much about yourself as you grow older. I always used to stand behind a line from my favorite book The Catcher in the Rye: “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everyb...

  Where does your confidence come from? For me, my confidence is not natural. It is not a God given trait that I was born with. My confidence comes from the work I have put into myself. It has been developed over years. It has come from continuously proving to myself that I am capable of doing whatever I put my mind to. Every single time you outdo your expectations for yourself, you are growing your confidence. Rather than saying you can’t do something, make an attempt at it. Give more things a try because you are capable of doing them with enough practice and enough self-belief. When I start to slip and lose confidence in myself, I remind myself of the things that helped develop my confidence. These things include: •Reading •Writing •Exercising •Eating healthy •Learning new skills •Practicing talking around people •Spending time with people who build me up If a habit in your life is causing you to become less confident, cut it out. For example, someone may not have confidence in t...

  Voice funnels through the speakers. Water runs down eyelashes, caught before they can run anymore. It’s different this time though.  Years have passed, people have passed Since the first one. Don’t forget about me.  In my mind I still see Walks on rocks Boarding below sunset Pebbles by artist point Drives through downtown. I pluck those strings hoping to imitate, but this time only two ears listen. Hours spent alone Fingers calloused Picks on the floor Posters on the wall. Crack in the body, I can’t play.  A new one will be in that corner, someday. New freckles. Sunburn’s cover, me. What could possibly go wrong.  I’m older now, but I still skip rocks. And I can’t keep track of all my socks.

  My writing has become sparse. My focus has become scattered. My routine has become unpredictable. The steps aren’t clear anymore. I hiked up a hill for so long thinking that it was going to be easy once I got on the right path. But it isn't.  I have reached a break in the path. A break that presents several different paths in various directions. No sign telling me which way is which. No sign that says “this way!” in vibrant neon lights. No, there’s a crossroads in the path I have been following with zero indication of which way is the right way. What do I do? Do I wait until someone comes along to set me off on the right trail? No, because they don’t know which way is best either. Nobody can hold my hand to get me to the place where I am meant to end up. So rather than waiting, I must select which way to go and believe that I will get there intact. Most people face 1 of 3 major deficiencies: Trait Skill Belief For me, my biggest issue is the lack of belief. I possess the tra...

  Every day I get so close to it. I look down and consider dismounting from the ground I stand on but I can never push myself to jump all in. Instead I inch down that slope hoping the dirt below me will keep my feet grounded. I look down and psyche myself out. I question my ability rather than trusting in the ability I have. But today, it hit me. EVERY TIME YOU FEEL SCARED AND PUSH THROUGH, YOU GROW. When I thought I couldn’t, somebody else said I could. It wasn’t me. But every time I proved myself that it was possible, that ledge seemed more and more appealing. The idea of falling gets less and less scary the more you jump. Soon enough that ledge is no longer something you see. It’s no longer something you think twice about. The hesitation is gone, you just jump. The first time, second time, third time, every time you approach that ledge and look down you are terrified, until… you just jump one time. All it takes is one big jump to convince yourself it is really not as intimidatin...

I act like I have this vast understanding of everything. I act like I know exactly how to untrap my mind. I act like I have it all together. I don’t. It always makes me think harder about the things I tell myself when I am given a different way of looking at things than what I know. Today I felt that. I was basically told that the only thing that is holding me back from taking the next step is me. For someone who is afraid to jump, it is not the idea of not being able to swim that holds them back, it is the fear of leaving the ground beneath their feet. The ground beneath me is familiar. I know it well. It is secure. I always have a fallback option. But what if I did jump? I know I could swim. I know I could find new land to stand on. I would be back up in no time, maybe in bigger and better places. But the fear of that jump, that simple little free fall is what keeps me in place. ONCE I _____… THEN… Why do we always make contingencies for ourselves? Is it just a way of justifying not ...